Things My Mama Didn't Tell Me...

A friend recently sent me an article about parenting. The premiss of the article was to reassure parents (mothers in particular) that they were doing a good job and not “failing” their children. In the article it referred to motherhood as “being in the trenches”. I like this term, “being in the trenches”. Sometimes being a parent means doing what you have to do and that is a true statment (right or wrong). However, the article also stated that should someone boast they have it all figured out, or that it is easy , they are either lying or drunk. 

…I suppose I am both lying and drunk (according to the article that is). True, sometimes being a parent means being in the trenches, but they are colorful, cloud lined trenches. Even when you are in the trenches it really is not that bad. It is my philosophy that parenting is all a state of mind, have a negative perspective - - - have a negative experience. Have a positive perspective and well, you get the point. 

I feel that in today’s society there are so many so called “parenting styles”. There is attachment parenting, there is the Ferber method, instinctive parenting, helicopter parenting and the list goes on and on. Not to mention the controversial cover of Time magazine that came out earlier this year with the picture of a women breast feeding a child that is old enough to ask for the tit by name with the caption “are you mom enough” (a cover I greatly resent btw, am I mom enough, please). Point being, society is in a sense placing mothers in the trenches. With all this pressure its no wonder mothers in todays society read articles that reassure them they are not failing their children (and we’ve come full circle). 

Now, I am not saying that my parenting style is the “correct” way (there is no correct/incorrect way to parent a child, its personal and is up to the parents discretion on how to care for their child). I will however say that out of a handful of women I know, I seem to be enjoying my baby the most. Now, I understand that I must tread lightly here and I want to clarify when I say enjoying, I mean that I seem to be the least stressed, not that I love my baby any more or any less than any of the other mothers in my life. 

I think the reason I am able to be so carefree with my baby and my parenting is b/c I do not hold myself accountable to anyones standards. I do not read parenting books or go to parenting classes. I do not set ridiculous expectations on myself or my baby. I simply feel out each and every situation and I customize my parenting experience to the needs of my baby, under an umbrella that is realistic for how my family runs. 

For example, before I had my daughter EVERYONE had an opinion. Before I had my baby, should I challenge anyones opinion I would often get a “you’ll see”, in return. Ok, I guess so, I’ll see (and I will prove you wrong was always my internal response). One of the big ones was a newborns sleep/feeding schedule. Before I had sweet Grae everyone told me the importance of breast feeding (something I did not argue with), as well as the importance of feeding the baby every TWO hours. This was something that seemed to be beaten into me by moms I would meet, EVERY TWO HOURS. Huh, I thought…every TWO hours? I just did not see how that was going to work for my lifestyle (or my sanity). Before going into labor I sat down with our pediatrician and had a long talk about the every two hour feedings. My doctors exact words, “I would never wake a sleeping baby, the baby will wake on their own when they are hungry”. GREAT! We also talked allot about so called “nipple confusion” (another big myth that is flying around in the mom community). It was the belief of my pediatrician (and now myself) that “nipple confusion” just simply does not exist, the baby will always take mom over the bottle. That being said, under the guidance of our pediatrician, my husband and I decided that upon birth we would supplement with formula until my milk came in (which usually takes about 5 days), that way we would know that the baby was good and full and would be able to maintain her weight more easily and rest more soundly. I gotta’ tell ya ladies, I could not be happier with the outcome. Despite the strong worded testimonies from the army of mom’s in my life, my way (again, under the supervision of my doctor), worked out beautifully!

*Side note, this two hour feeding thing was such and issue and is so widely received that I actually got into a bit of an argument in the hospital with the nursery nurses (my baby had to sleep in the nursery both nights in the hospital due to swallowing a large amount of fluid upon delivery). The nurse insisted that she would be waking me every two hours throughout the night to feed my baby and I insisted that she would not be doing this and the only time I wanted her to bring my baby in for a feeding was when she awoke on her own. Eventually I won the argument (as she is my child) and we fed accordingly while in the hospotal. We also gave her bottles of formula when it was obvious she was not getting enough to eat (something the nurse staff again fought with me over, but I won as again, she is my daughter) and wouldn’t you know, she sustained her birth weight upon discharge and even gained a little weight by the time of her 1st checkup. For someone doing everything wrong by society’s standards my baby was healthy, growing, gaining and SLEEPING…more than two hours at a time. 

As a result of this, my baby was sleeping through the night by month 2 and we have never had any issues hitting markers in growth.

Another fly by the seat of my non-mom jeans decision that I made, was the decision to give up on breast feeding (that Time mag. mom is gasping as she leeks breast milk right about now). That’s right, I made the decision to throw in the towel. You see, I was induced due to spikes in BP and because of this my milk did not come in as planned. The doctors said that if I was dilligant and kept at it (pumping and feeding every few hours) that eventually my milk would come in (it would just take a bit longer for me). I tried this for a while, maybe 3 weeks and one afternoon I was having a conversation with a friend/fellow mom and she said “oh honey, I tried breast feeding with my 1st (she has 2 boys) and I HATED it! It was awful! Not only did I just NOT like it, it hurt and was a giant pain in my ass always having to be hooked up to the pump or have a baby on my boob - NO THANKS, I would much rather spend my time enjoying my baby”. OH. MY. GOD. Those words “I would much rather spend my time enjoying my baby” became my new go to motto! If I was not enjoying something and if it was taking away precious mom moments, I was done with it.      I stopped breast feeding that day and never looked back. 

From that moment on I stopped worrying about being a certain kind of mom and just rolled with it. If I had something going on that I was not sure about, I did not turn to some book written by a male PHD that has no children, I called the moms in my life. For each situation there is a different mom to ask. I had a travel question and knew just the friend to call. I had an issue with colic for a little while, there was another mom in my little black mom book that I called. The one thing that has held true for me, do not be afraid to call on other moms when you encounter something you are not sure how to handle. Lean on your friends for their wisdom and experiences. And, if one thing is not working, give it up and try something else, eventually something is bound to work. 

Going back to those parenting styles listed above, I gotta say, there are things in all categories that I find appealing. However, not one in its entirety fits me completely. They are not one size fits all. 

I LOVE wearing my baby! The Ergo, a.k.a the baby backpack is my all time favorite thing! I love it for both me and my daughter. I love it b/c its cozy and I get to feel, smell and kiss my little love. She loves it b/c its cozy, warm and she gets to hear my heartbeat. This falls under AP parenting. 

I sleep with my baby in my room (side note: my pediatrician recommends sleeping with your baby in your room, IN THEIR OWN BED, for the 1st 4 months, she says that once they started recommending this sids went down dramatically). Having my love within arms reach is something that I find comforting. I know at some point I will need to allow her to sleep in her own room. I am absolutely keeping her in there until she is 4months (for the above mentioned reason) however, if I am not ready to have her on the other side of the house in her own room right at 4 months I am not going to feel rushed into it. She will transition into her room when we are both ready. That being said, although I love having her in my room, I would NEVER allow her to sleep in my bed (that is something that just does not work for our home). So you see, even though I am taking the sleeping in the same room from a certain parenting style, I am making it my own. The AP parenting style suggests this as well as co-sleeping (I do not agree with co-sleeping). 

I allow my daughter to “scream it out” from time to time. I do not believe in coddleing. Just b/c she makes a sound does not mean I need to rush to her side. If she is really having a rough time pulling it together yes, I will be right there to help sooth her. However, I believe that allowing her to scream it out sometimes allows her the opportunity to begin the process of self soothing, something she (at 3 months) is amazing at! This to me is something that will come in handy her entire life! Sometimes, you have to wait. You cannot always get everything right now and I feel that by become such an amazing self soother at such an early age she will not have issues with being patient. This falls under the Ferber method. 

I allow my child to have alone time. This is something she actually enjoys. Yes, she loves to cuddle and be social, but sometimes its OK to just relax and be you. I also allow her to watch TV (thats right I said it, I put the Disney channel on for my 3 month old, feel free to judge). What can I say, she LOVES it!! And sometimes I need to do things around the house, like clean or do laundry so this comes in handy. This is my call and would perhaps fall under the intuitive parenting category.  

My baby sleeps through the night (something I am proud to say). However, what you may not know is that my baby sleeps through the night, in her car seat inside of her pack-n-play. That’s right, in her car seat! This came to be on accident. You see, my husband was out of town on business and I went to a movie with a few girlfriends after the movie Grae was sound asleep in her car seat and I did not want to risk waking her by transferring her into her cradle, so I didn’t. That was the 1st night she slept through the night. The next day at nap time she cried in her cradle, so I tried the car seat again and she slept. Every night since then she has slept through the night…in her car seat! Yes, I have asked her pediatrician about this and she agrees that if she is sleeping in there (and sleeping well), why ruin a good thing. In fact she said perhaps my sweet baby has a little bit of reflux and so sleeping upright might be comforting for her. GREAT! I am in! To me this is one of those “in the trenches” moments. Judge all you want, I am doing what I have to do and I am very well rested. ….again, intuitive. 

The moral of all my stor(ies)y here is: be whatever parent you want to be. Be the parent that you can feel proud of at the end of the day. Be the parent that enjoys their baby and does not live in a home turned jail made by baby. Don’t feel the need to hold yourself to some silly society standard, every baby is different. But most of all, remember the words of wisdom handed down to me “I would much rather spend my time enjoying my baby”. If something you are doing is making you miserable, ditch it! Other great words of wisdom by my amazing husband, “they’ve never been raised before”. 

Alright ladies, time to talk about post baby fashion (yes, I said “post baby” and “fashion” in the same sentence). After you have a baby things are…out of place (putting it politely). And lets be honest, it is easy to slip into the unfashionable-mom-abyss. However, trust me, as easily as it is to fall into this postpartum fashion rut, it feels a million times better to get up off the couch, out of your sweat pants (or as they are loving refereed to at my house, “quitters”) and strut your stuff, stroller in tow! 

Obviously you are not at your fighting weight and your pre-baby wardrobe is not going to fit so do not expect it to. Expecting to fit into your pre-baby clothes immediately post-baby TERRIBLE IDEA. Do NOT, I repeat; do NOT put yourself through that unnecessary tourchure. What I would recommend to any new mom, go shopping. Treat yourself. After all, you just went through almost 10 months of body morphing only to be followed up by whole body trauma (this is something my Dr. reminds me of on a pretty consistent basis when asking questions about my “new body” going through labor is major trauma on your body but it is not always viewed that way). So, go shopping…get yourself a few things that fit you right now, not what is going to kind of fit right now, but will absolutely fit later - something I have fallen victim to a few times. See I get it, you do not want to spend money on clothes that you are obviously going to shrink out of b/c you are obviously going to loose the weight. I get that. However, trust me when I say that buying something that “kind of” or “almost” fits in the hopes that it will last the long haul, ya know once you have lost the baby weight, not the right idea. All this does is make you feel insecure, kind of like you are wearing something that “almost” fits (duh)! Now I am not saying break the bank, again we all know that size is just a temporary thing. I have about 4 outfits that fit me right now, that I feel I look cute (and normal) in. Done. 

For me, I have had a real struggle finding things to wear on the bottom. I carried the majority of my baby weight in my back (which has gotten itself sorted pretty quickly, thank god - back fat is not something I wish to ever revisit) and my upper thighs/butt. So much so that the only place I actually got stretch marks was on my butt (which I find comical, I was officially at max capacity for junk-in-the-trunk)! So for me, jeans are not my friend. I actually went jean shopping (going along with my above statement I thought, why not? I will get jeans to fit me now while I am in transition), BAD IDEA. Let me just say, jeans are a skinny man (or women’s) fashion. The sight of my tree-trunk thighs and junk-in-the-trunk badonk crammed into those jeans in the Nordstrom Rack dressing room, is forever seared into my brain (an image I assure you I could have done without).  So for me, it is all leggings all the time (thankfully having worked for Lulu I have a wide variety to choose from). I have tried to go for jeggings a few times, I am yet to find a pair that work. After you give birth it takes about 6 months for your uterus to completely shrink back down. The issue that I have had with jeggings is the button in the front. My belly still hangs a bit over a “normal” pant line. I am however going to get my after xmas sale on in hopes of finding myself a nice pair of 50% off jeggings/that my baby belly is back to a somewhat normal position so that I can officially rock bottoms with a button! I know, I dream big! 

Ok, now that we have talked about fashion/finding clothes that fit I feel we should get down to the nitty gritty of the day-to-day. Lets be honest, I have 4 outfits people, if I am not going anywhere, there is no way I am wasting my cute looks. I have a newborn! When you have a newborn your world revolves around laundry…the baby’s laundry. I never have time to actually do my own laundry. In addition to laundry, you get peed on, pooped on and barfed on consistently (true story). So I admit to rocking out my quitters and tank-tops while at home. However, I always make sure to shower (which can be a challenge but I proudly say that this happens on an almost daily basis), I always brush my teeth (if we are being honest and are giving a full disclosure here, some days this doesn’t happen until late in the afternoon, but it ALWAYS happens), I wash my face, put on a little makeup (by default I do not wear allot of makeup so I get lucky here) and I always do something with this mop on my head…lucky for me I can go a good 5 days without washing my hair & braids are in style! 

Basically what I am trying to say is just b/c I am not going to waste one of my 4 outfits on a “home day”, that does not mean I am not going to clean myself up. Lets be honest, we all need to look ready for the day in order to feel ready for the day. I also do NOT believe in using the “mom” card as an excuse to let it all go to shit. Just b/c I recently had a baby doesn’t mean I get to look lousy 24/7. In addition to cleaning up for me, I have a husband and I want my husband to think I am hot damnit! After all, I am a huge believer in having a post-baby sex life (there, I said it) and believe me, its hard enough when you are exhausted by 9pm to feel “in the mood” so you better damn well make sure your appearance/personal hygiene isn’t an additional factor to hold you back from that bow-chica-wow-wow! 

I feel I should also mention to try and not be too hard on yourself. This is something I am admittedly bad at. You really should give yourself a break…after all, you did just have a baby and it is going to (unfortunately) take time to get it all back together. Do not hold yourself to a celebrity status. You know what I am talking about, all those celebs that give birth and then POW 3 months later they are rockin’ a size 2 beach bod. THEY HAVE FULL TIME HELP! If it was your only job, to work out 9-5 and see your baby at dinner time you too could be rockin’ that bitchin’ beach bod by month 3. But most of us live in the real world and do not have full time help. Honestly, you cannot even think about working out for a good 8-12 weeks (you have to be cleared by your Dr. before regaining a workout routine). All you can do is what you can do (does that make sense)? Once you are cleared, yes you should start hitting the gym. Just do not expect it all to happen over night. Now, if you are breast feeding the weight should come off a little bit easier as you burn so many calories each time your little one (or the pump) attaches itself to your lady lumps. I however, was not able to breast feed. Since I was induced due to spikes in my blood pressure, my milk never came in (a common side effect to being induced, since your body was not prepared to have the baby just yet). So this is not something I can speak about off of experience, I can only share with you what I have heard. I can however say that I have lost over 1/2 the baby weight by doing NOTHING. Not working out, not breast feeding, simply existing. IT WILL HAPPEN. 

My go to when I get down, looking at my sweet little baby love. Honestly, do you care that you are not at your best right now? You got this sweet little, magical baby out of the deal! ….I also treat baby and I to a ___________ (insert treat of the moment here, cupcake, latte, whatever sounds good that day). Sometimes fatty needs a pick-me-up and sometimes that pick-me-up is accompanied by a sugar buzz. After all, I am still me….

Well, not so much a bed wetter as a pee my pants in public kind of wetter (however, I am not entirely ruling the bed out at this point). 

Today I was out and about with my baby when I felt that all too familiar feeling, you know that one, the “gotta go” one. I weighed my options and decided to take a calculated risk and wait until I got home. Needless to say I am not a good gambler….

Let me walk you through the thinking behind my poorly made decision. I was wearing my baby in the Ergo/baby back(front)pack and although I have mastered the art of peeing while having my baby strapped to me (one of my new super powers thank you very much), it is a little awkward as I am sure you can imagine. I was about to head home anyway and lets be honest, door to door it was a 10 min. mission. I thought to myself “I got this”. 

Feeling confident in my decision to run and gun, I was standing outside my car strapping Grae into her car seat when it happened. That warm wet feeling right between my legs. I paused for a moment to process what had just happened. I was confidant in the fact that I had only peed my pants the tiniest  bit, when I felt that warm wet feeling again and thought to myself “this is happening”. 

October 24, 2012 today is the day that I peed myself in public, at 30 years old. Isn’t motherhood swell! I have full faith that with a little time & ample kegel exercises my bladder will once again be able to withstand the 10 min. car ride home. Until then my sister has informed she will be buying me a pack of depends for Christmas. 

There aint no shame in my game! 

When you are pregnant everyone and their dog has an opinion on how you should raise your child. I even had strangers approaching me in the grocery store to give me advice or damn the gender of my unborn baby/tell me why the other sex would be better (incase you have not noticed it is too late now, I am committed, my baby is what my baby is but thanks). My favorite was all the negative-nancies telling me all the fun things that I would no longer do b/c I would have a baby. 

I am having a baby, not obtaining a prison sentence. 

In the 5 weeks since my baby’s birth I am happy to announce that we have had a plethora of outings, which began on day 2 of being home from the hospital. A few of those outings consist of:

- Pumpkin patch/petting zoo

- Lunch/dinner/coffee dates

- Shopping (grocery store and a few trips to Newbury Street & the mall)

- Walks in the park

- Happy hour

- A brewery event with live music

- A Halloween street fair/parade in Salem

You get the point. In addition to all of the above, we are currently contemplating a trip to NYC in a week (weather being the permitting factor) and are scheduled to fly across country at 3 months.

Babies are portable! In fact I feel as if I am able to do much more since having my little bundle of joy than when I was pregnant. When I was pregnant I felt as if I was on house arrest. I was so limited in what I was able to do b/c I was pregnant and was not able to move at a normal pace, walk as far, do certain activities, etc. Now I am able to strap my baby into her car seat/stroller/carrier and go-go-go!

I have never understood people that would say “oh I cannot do x-y-z during such and such time b/c that is the baby’s nap time”. Really? They can sleep on the go, that is one of the beautiful things about being a baby! I wish that I could just conk out whenever I felt sleepy no matter where I was/have someone strap me into a cozy cocoon on their chest where I could nuzzle up and hear their heartbeat as I drift off to dream land. Another thing I have never understood is the quiet house. My baby has learned to sleep through all sorts of noises! We always have the TV on, the radio, the vacuum, we talk, etc. and you know what, my baby sleeps like a champ! I also feel that this is a skill that my baby will use throughout her life. No one likes being a light sleeper, from starting her off in a noisy house I feel as if I am setting her up to be a heavy sleeper her entire life. Baby…you are welcome. 

Speaking of sleeping babies, I know a handful of people think that you need to wake your newborn baby up every 2 hours to feed them. To those people I say, are you out of your every loving mind?!! Why on earth would you ever wake a sleeping baby? Ever heard the phrase don’t poke the bear? I mean seriously! There is no need to feed them every two hours unless they are having an issue like jaundice. Newborn babies can actually go a good 5 hours without eating. Now I know I am running the risk of getting a bunch of shit for this so I would just like to state that this is coming directly from my babies pediatrician. Trust me, I understand that this is something that many people have differing opinions on. When I was in the hospital I actually had to tell the nurses/lactation consultants NOT to wake my baby, she is my baby and I know best in regards to what kind of parenting I will be doing/how to fulfill her needs. They all said that I needed to wake her every 2 hours to feed and I refused their opinions (as I had predetermined a feeding plan with our pediatrician). Let me just tell you, I am so happy with my decision. My baby is a sleeper!! Not only does she sleep, she sleeps in long stretches which allows me to be well rested in order to be my best self for my baby. How can you be your best for someone else when you are overtired? You are doing yourself and your baby a favor by creating a sleep schedule which allows everyone to get much needed rest. Your baby will not starve, they will wake up when they are hungry, trust me. You want results? Well, my beautiful baby was 8.75 at birth, dipped down upon leaving the hospital (as all babies do), bounced back to her birth weight by her 1 week visit and by her one month visit was up to a healthy 10.5 lbs. You cannot argue with the facts. And to those of you who think “hmmm well maybe I will just do the every 2 hour feedings for the first little bit”, let me warn you, they get on a schedule fast and before you know it, it will not be you waking them every 2 hours but them waking you. Trust me, this is not a schedule you want to get stuck in. 

Life goes on. Babies are suppose to enhance your life, not limit it. They are just tiny people. I look at my sweet baby as my sidekick. Since she was born I have a new best friend that goes everywhere with me and I still go everywhere and do everything I did pre-baby. I refuse to live in a prison made by baby.

Another myth I would like to squash is the dog myth. Before I had my baby everyone would tell me how my relationship with my dog would change. For some reason people assumed that since I was welcoming a new baby into my family that I would no longer love my dog? Well, I am happy to announce that even with baby in tow I still love my dog as much as ever. Like I have said from the beginning, I love my dog and he is an important staple in my family. Not only do I still love my dog as much as I every did, he is now my daughters best friend! He loves her! He licks her head and feet, he lays by her crib and attends to her every noise/cry. Man’s best friend or babies best friend? 

To those who are afraid of brining your baby home from the hospital or are afraid to take your baby on adventures, I say remember this: they have never been raised before and if you screw up - oh well lesson learned. The next outing will go more smoothly. 

As for my family and our next outing with our little one, we are going to the movies this weekend (gasp)! Stay tuned….

Modesty? What’s that? When you have a baby one thing you will quickly learn, all modesty goes out the window. From marital magic modesty (which I will explain later), to general every day modesty. 

First comes labor and delivery. When it came time to push there were about 9 people in the room (in addition to myself and my husband) staring intensely at my vagina as I lay spread eagle, trying to help a human being escape my body. 

Then you are transported to the postpartum floor where you will spend the next 2 days recovering before you are released to go home, thus started my protest against all clothing. 

As soon as you get to the postpartum floor you will be assigned a nurse, this nurse will then HELP you pee, as it is imperative you empty your bladder or you run the risk of loosing bladder control, perminantly. Awesome. If you are really lucky, like me, you will not be able to pee and will then be given a temporary catheter to empty your bladder to avoid said permanent loss of bladder control (I know I just squeezed the equivalent of a milk jug out of my vagina and got stitched up down there with zero pain meds, but god damn this hurt like a son of a bitch)! Then your nurse will once again escort you to the bathroom where she will help you into your high fashion post labor underpants that are over-sized, granny panties made entirely out of gauze, they are dead sexy. But in all seriousness, these hospital supplied granny-panties are the most comfortable things you will ever put on your vagina…I may have stolen a few. The nurse will also help you secure your larger than life, might as well be a diaper, pad, topped off with an ice-pack and witch hazel pads. Her hands were all up in my goodies. 

Since we are talking about fun in the bathroom/pads, I might as well mention the blood. There will be blood (and I am not referring to the Daniel Day Lewis film). There will be blood and allot of it, be prepared. I would suggest upon departure packing a few supplies from your all inclusive vaca at your local hospital, I would take the pads provided for you (they are far larger than you can find at Target), I would also suggest taking a bed pad or two (god knows you do not want to accidentally leek - - - lovely I know - - - on your home furniture). Might I also suggest pulling out an old pair of sheets and buying the pads with all the bells and whistles prior to your due date. I was fortunate enough to run into a new mom at Target while shopping for these supplies and she set me straight, after all who the hell wears pads, or as I like to call them, lady diapers. I had no clue what to buy. *Note: do not buy Always. Apparently they have a plastic liner that can cause infection (the last thing you need down there, your bits have been through enough). - Thank you young mom in Target. I would also like to let you know that the bleeding does last for a while. I finally stopped bleeding at the 3 and a 1/2 week mark. After all, it did take you almost 10 months to create this cozy baby home, it makes sense it would take a while to shed it. 

Back to the hospital, be prepared for strangers (lots of strangers) to grab your boobs. I have never had so many people get to second base with me without dinner and a movie first. From the nurses to the Dr’s, to the lactation consultants, everyone is grabbing at your tits. Ironically the nurse that was assigned to me, who mind you was the most handsy of all of them, was strangely uncomfortable with nudity. You see once I was up on the postpartum floor I decided that clothes were no longer an option and I was only going to be comfortable if I was naked. Our nurse however kept nervously asking if I would like to put clothes on, or at least a shirt or a robe…no, thanks for asking though. Like I said, all modesty is out the window. For those 48 hours in the hospital I was a loud and proud nudist. 

*Side note: when packing your hospital bag, pack light. I had a whole kit & caboodle packed that consisted of the latest issue of Vogue, a Lorax coloring book & crayons, the card version of “would you rather” & Uno. We played a 3 min. game of Uno and never even took anything else out of the bag. As far as clothes go, I packed a pretty floral robe (thinking that if I had something pretty to put on I would feel a little better), cozy PJ’s and a plethora of stretchy yoga clothes (I had no idea what size I would be when I walked out of the hospital). As mentioned above, I was naked the entire time. I did not even want to wear my pretty robe. As for what size I was upon discharge from the hospital, I still looked very pregnant. It wasn’t until about a week after that I really started to see the weight fall off. I also packed my computer, which I did use to listen to music (I was listening to Iron & Wine when my sweet baby Grae was being born). 

Once home the road to recovery continued. No one ever told me this, but you feel like you have a very intense fever that comes and goes as the hormones leave your body. I was also very, very, very soar. I basically had just gone through an intense whole body workout, in addition to an actual aching vagina….thank god for pain pills. This all subsides as the days go by. Another fun hurdle was learning to go to the bathroom. You see when you are at the hospital they have those awesome oversized toilets that don’t hurt your meat. Well, once you are home you are not so lucky. Going to the bathroom (especially for the 1st time) has a huge learning curve, be prepared to have to find the best position so as to not disturb any healing progress down there, you also have to be mindful of your stitches (if you received any) all while using a spray bottle filled with warm water to cut down on the burn from your PH balance being all sorts of screwed up. Another fun fact, it takes a while until you have control over your bladder. I may or may not have had an accident trying to get to the toilet in time (its like that commercial “gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now”)! There is NO warning, when you gotta go, you gotta go…NOW. Another fun fact is that whenever you cough or sneeze, you pee your pants just the tiniest bit (fantastic), I guess its a good thing you are wearing those lady diapers.

Now for the marital magic modesty (as if all of the above wasn’t enough to lose the sparkle). About 4 days in there was some concern that I had ripped my stitches apart. My Dr. instructed me to have my husband take a look. Take a look…..my stitches were…you know, all up in there. This resulted in me laying on my back on our bed, once again spread eagle with my husband shining a flashlight up there, lovely. Having a baby brings you and your partner very close. 

My suggestion to anyone about to go through all of this, find the humor in everything! You have to. As for all those nurses getting to 2nd base with you, you better enjoy it b/c thats the most action you are going to get for at least 6 weeks. 

Pregnancy sucks. 

OK, not all of pregnancy sucks. There are some highlights like feeling the baby kick for the 1st time, loving life in a bikini (hey for the 1st time you do not need to worry about that extra large lunch you had before hitting the beach, relish in it). Then there are the Dr. appointments where you get to hear the swish of your unborn baby’s heart (this sound will undoubtably become your favorite sound over the 9 months you are pregnant). Some claim you get extra hair on your head making your mane thick and luxurious (I personally already have enough hair on my head for 2 people so I really do not know that I noticed a different in this area). People as a whole are kinder (too bad you have to be pregnant for a stranger to shower you with kindness, think of how amazing this world could be if this were a normal, every day practice). You often get parking perks with “baby on board” designated spots. People on the subway offer up their seat so you can rest your barking dogs…

However, once you strip away the (superficial) perks, there are allot of limiting factors. I feel in order to really do this post justice, I must start at the time you decide to try and conceive. 

Some couples get pregnant by just looking at each other. Then there is the ever growing number of under-ager-rager unplanned pregnancies (that will piss you off if you, like me, have any problems getting pregnant), then there is the rest of us. For most people it takes 1 year to get pregnant. 1 year is the time that your Dr. will tell you is “normal”. This 1 year may start off stress free with you thinking “great! I will just have unprotected sex on the kitchen table non-stop, practice makes perfect”! But by the end of the 3rd month when you are not pregnant, your carefree, sex-crazed attitude will undoubtable turn from fun to fear, to charting and scheduling. 

Planned sex was something I tried to avoid. I understood that this was a slippery slope to be on. However, once you get far enough down the baby path (with no baby), you will give in. I started off thinking that my husband and I would just make sure to have sex every other day all month. Now this may sound easy (and I am a person who views my husband and I’s sex life as a very healthy and active one. After all, one of the things we have in common is that we are into each other). However, every other night when it is a “have to”, becomes ALLOT. So then I decided to scale it back a notch and just make sure to have sex around the 4 days that I was suppose to be ovulating, easy enough right? Well, come to find out it took a few months just to get my period schedule right. If you have never tracked your period cycle, you would never know that sometimes there is a few day swing on either end. Well, when you are looking at very specific days for ovulation, this few day swing (whether it be 2 or 3 days) can be a deal breaker. For all of you thinking about “trying” let me save you some time, download the app “maybe baby” to your iPhone. Spend the 1st 3 months or so getting your period scheduled exactly and then begin trying, you can thank me later. 

For most people this and the 1 year, does the trick. For whatever reason, this was not the case for my husband and I. It ended up taking us 2 and a 1/2 years before we got pregnant with our baby. This time period proved to be trying to say the least. When you want to have a baby and it is simply not happened (for no apparent reason), it creates allot of stress and an outpour of emotions. You are told your whole life to practice safe sex or you will get pregnant. Then when you want to get pregnant you discover there is only a small chance every month for this to actually happen…. 

My husband and I actually ended up at a fertility clinic (something that I would have never foreseen) at the suggestion of my OBGYN. The fertility clinic seemed sterile and scary.  This was for people who had problems getting pregnant and had a history of health issues, I did not feel as if I fit into that category, but the reality was, I did. They called it unexplained infertility. I got checked out and was producing eggs (and had plenty in reserve), was ovulating every month and my husbands sperm count was high, so why was this not happening for us? I was double frustrated b/c my husband is 9 years older than I am and had an entire life before meeting me, where he was married and had already had 2 children. The thought that this might not be in the cards for us was devastating.  That initial visit to the fertility clinic was full of anxiety and tears. After our visit my regular Dr. called to check in and said something that at the time seemed profound. I explained that having a test tube baby seemed to lack  the magic I expected from conceiving a child. His response, “are you really going to give a shit at your child’s 10th birthday party how they were conceived”? He was right, it didn’t matter. We made plans to wait it out for one more month (as it was the holidays) and then we would go in for round 1 at the fertility clinic. 

We got pregnant that month. The day of conception was Christmas day.

We were finally pregnant! It was all going to be gravy from here, right? Not in the least. After spending the first 5 months throwing up all day and all night, I went right into being huge and uncomfortable. But wait, lets back up to all the throw-up, aside from that, I had terrible acid indigestion (old ladies get that, I am 30 what the hell)? NOTHING every sounded good to eat, I simply ate out of necessity and that “glow” everyone always talks about, well I had that for about a month, this is simply due to all the extra blood flow in your body, your skin literally does glow, but then that passes and the pregnancy acne kicks in, lovely.

Once I out-grew trying to get back to my birth weight by vomiting up everything I ate, I all of a sudden became very pregnant! It was almost as if I just woke up one morning and could no longer see my feet. That was the beginning of the water weight (which if you are pregnant during the summer like I was, good luck, you gain more from the heat). I never really understood the way that swelling effected you. I mean, sure it sucks to have something be swollen, but unknown to my pre-pregnancy self, it is actually very painful as well. My feet were so swollen they looked like I got them on loan from Barney Rubble. It hurt to walk, period. Simple tasks such as grocery shopping or walking the dog became extremely hard missions that I would eventually learn to dread. The swelling lasted past birth. I am happy to announce that now, 2 weeks after the birth of my daughter, I am well on my way back to normal but it is taking time to dump all this water. My feet however, do finally fit back into my pre-pregnancy shoes (this was a major victory in my household)! 

Other setbacks backs (health wise) during pregnancy: your teeth go to shit, I swear I came out on the other side with about 8 cavities, I am yet to go to the dentist b/c I am terrified! Your gums bleed, your eyes dry out, your joints hurt (I could never be a fat person after this experience, my body feels dissed from head to toe from the extra weight that I was packing around). The heartburn is INSANE. There is an old wives tale that if you experience an abundance of heartburn that your baby has a good amount of hair on their head, in my case this was extremely true! My baby came out with so much hair on her head she looked like she missed her last 2 haircuts. You cannot eat the food you would like to eat (believe me, I got this handled right after giving birth, I had regular - caffeinated coffee, diet soda, cookie dough, fish, queso, chai etc. all within the 1st week). Some very lucky pregnant women (myself included) get what is lovingly referred to as pregnancy allergies. You see your nasal cavity can also experience swelling which can cause you to have an eternal stuffy/runny nose…which can also lead to very loud snoring which causes your husband to sleep in the other room (sorry love). Then as you get closer and closer to your due date the pregnancy insomnia sets in. I do not know if it was b/c I simply could never get comfortable, or just the fact that I was experiencing mother natures way of preparing you to be up all night with your little one, but I could not sleep more than 30 min. at a time once I hit the 8 month mark. Once I stopped sleeping, things really stopped being fun. I was on a 24 hour sleep cycle. I came down with a new super power, I could not lay down without falling asleep, and I would be out cold within 2 min. Eventually I could not even sit down without falling asleep. In fact it was so bad, that I am actually getting (allot) more sleep now that the baby has arrived than I was when I was 8+ months pregnant. 

Now I am not looking for a pity party or for anyone to show me sympathy. I am also not saying that it is not all worth it, b/c believe me it is. I would do it all again in a heartbeat b/c the end result is completely worth it. However, I feel that women constantly do each other a huge injustice by not sharing the downfalls of pregnancy. At least if you are open about pregnancy in its entirety you can help others to be better prepared. I do not buy this bullshit of “I loved every min. of being pregnant” blah-blah-blah. Even if you have a good pregnancy there are still aspects I am sure, that completely suck. 

Then there is the weight gain issue. This is something that deserves its own post, but I felt I should at least touch on it. Lets just say that everyone gains differently and different ammounts. There is no magic number and I will leave you with this, I gained well past my initial “scary number” and you know what, it’s fine. my baby came out big and healthy and I will lose the weight.  Again, this issue will get some major love in its own post at some point, but for now, just know that you should not put too much focus on the weight you put on. You will gain whatever you gain and that is fine. I do not however believe in the whole “eating for 2” thus giving you license to be a complete hog. Keep in mind, you do still have to lose this weight so you should not be glutenous. 

Last but not least, a shout out to the dads. Pregnancy sucks for the dads as well. Not only do they virtually have to do everything around the house (especially towards the end), they have to deal with our irrational emotions that will run ramped from time to time. Not to mention that being pregnant/having a pregnant wife basically puts you on house arrest. Not only are you limited in the activities you can engage in, you are limited in the pace in which you can do approved activities. Now if you are thinking I am being extreme with my house arrest comment. let me share with you just a few things I was not able to partake in last summer: Paddle boarding, kayaking, camping, hiking, regular yoga class (pregnancy yoga I found to be slow and pretty boring), biking, bowling, riding my scooter etc. You can do allot more once baby arrives, after all babies are portable. 

In closing, making a person is hard work and everyone that goes through it should earn a medal and be welcomed into a special club. Pass the touch with pride and do not hide your true emotions, be honest & support other women who will walk where you have walked. It is OK if you do not love every min. of your pregnancy. It is also OK if you hate being pregnant, you can (and will) still be a stellar mom. 

9/9/2012 12:38PM

That is when my life changed forever. I had just squeezed the equivalent of a milk jug out of my lady parts and was laying in a hospital bed spread eagle, as a team of 9 pediatricians “worked on” my non-breathing baby girl. 

…but lets back up a few days, to the moment I knew I would be holding my baby in my arms by the end of the weekend. 

9/5/2012 1:30PM

As I sit pant less in my OBGYN’s office I cannot help but notice the pamphlets on the wall: Induced Labor, C-Section, etc. Little did I know that in about 5 min. I would be in need of one of those pamphlets in preparation of my daughters sooner-than-expected arrival. My blood pressure had been spiking for the last 2 weeks, tests had been done, blood had been drawn, fetal monitoring and non-stress tests had been ordered, as well as a 24 hour urine collection, believe me when I say, this was fun. Picture this, a giant jug you fill with pee over a 24 hour period. Want to go to dinner? Pee jug goes with. A walk around town, pee jug in tow! Did I mention that pregnancy is glamourous? The Dr. came in the room, checked for dilation (my lazy baby who was clearly in no hurry to emerge from her cozy waterbed was not giving me any help and I was only at a 1), checked my blood pressure (which was still spiking) and announced that it was time we talk induction. She walked out to check her schedule, came back and asked how Friday worked for me. Friday, as in 2 days from now?! Game on!

9/7/2012

D Day. What do you do when you know you are going in for induced labor in a few short hours? Well, you go to the bank, get extra treats for the dog-sitter, go for a bang trim, do laundry, clean the house, pack your hospital bag and enjoy your last meal as a “table for 2” (which was 5 guys incase anyone is wondering).  Knowing that you are going in for a scheduled labor is a very strange and un-natural feeling. I always thought things would kick off with that “oh shit” moment. You know, where your water breaks in the middle of the grocery store or you wake your sleeping husband in the middle of the night to announce your every growing in intensity, contractions. But that was simply not going to be the case for us, we would be going into the hospital at exactly 9:30PM on Friday September 7th. Calm, cool, and collected (right). 

9:30PM - Arrive at the hospital (for the 1st time)

Since I was only 1 centimeter dilated they could not just introduce pitocin to my system to get the party started, they had to “ripen” my cervix (really, they had to call it ripen? There was nothing less offensive to call it other than ripen)? The way that this is done is by giving you a pill orally, followed by a few hours of monitoring the baby. At 1:30AM we got sent home. The instructions were simple, if you go into labor or your water breaks, come back. Otherwise we will see you again at 7:30AM. 

7:30AM - Back to the hospital

1st they check for “ripening” and dilation….I am at a 2. Which means its time for another round of the magical ripening pill, monitoring and yet again, we are sent on our way. We are told to take 3 hours and come back. We decide to grab a couple of sandwiches to go from our favorite spot, and head home to let Clancy (our dog) out. 

2:00PM - Hospital round 3

No change. However, they have decided we are not going to go home tonight, we will be progressing this labor one way or another and they make the decision to (finally) admit us. Thus brings us to round 3 of the orally ingested pill. And we wait….

8:00PM Phase 2

Now that we are sufficiently “ripened” (again, still gross), they decide to move forward. After getting checked for dilation (which is at a 4), they insert a tapeworm looking thing, soaked in medicine into my “fun-spot”. Once in place we decide to try and get some sleep.  

11:00PM - Contractions

OH. DEAR. GOD. I wake up with the most intense back pain I have ever felt in my life! As I lay there strapped to machines (IV’s, heart monitor, blood pressure cuff, etc), I yell to wake my sleeping husband and explain what I am experiencing. He checks the monitors only to confirm that I am having back to back contractions. HERE WE GO. This is the start of a long and painful labor which will be taking place entirely in my back. 

The Dr. comes in, checks me and suggests I get an epidural at this time. He explains that since I am inactive labor and am being induced, there will be no interference from the epidural (if you are having natural labor an epidural can slow your contractions making your labor prolonged, not the case with inductions). He then explains that since I am being induced my contractions are (and will continue to be) erratic and will probably not progress to follow any specific pattern, thus making them harder to deal with as they more than likely will continue to piggy-back one another with the intensity of a runaway freight train, with little to no break. I happily accept the idea of an epidural at this point.

*Side note: Before getting induced I had hoped to labor on my own as long as I could and was open to the idea of an epidural but was not set on it. My reason for this, the thought of not being able to move my legs/get out of bed gave me so much anxiety that I thought dealing with the pain of labor would be a better option for me. However, once the induction was scheduled my Dr. strongly recommended that I get the epidural as soon as “active” labor started b/c induced labor is an entirely different animal. She informed me that all the medicines caused the labor to come on fast and furious, boy was she right. 

1AM - Time for sleep

After receiving the epidural the pain was finally tollerable. I was given some sleeping pills to help me sleep as I was going to have a long day ahead of me (understatement of the year). 

7AM - Pitocin

At 7AM they started me on a pitocin drip. This was the big daddy that was going to really get things moving along. About an hour in I was having contractions like nothing I had every experianced. My world was officially being rocked (and not in a good way). That’s when I realized…I can feel everything. But I got an epidural? I am suppose to be cool as an ice box form the waist down, so why am I feeling this? I let the Dr. know what was going on and he called in the anesthesiologist. They check for numbness vrs sensation and sure enough, I was experiencing everything in full force. They decide to up the dosage of my epidural….no change. They do this 3 times, as well as instruct my husband to hit the magic button hooked to my IV that releases a little bit of extra medicine every 15 min. After about an hour of this with no change, they decide to introduce narcotics into my epidural drip…still nothing. I could feel EVERYTHING, except on the outside of my legs and butt (great). Which means I am experiencing full sensations in my vagina, hips, back and stomach. My epidural has unexplainably failed. The anesthesiologists are stumped and I am screwed. For the next several hours I endure back labor (said to be much harder to tolerate than regular labor) with erratic contractions that are coming back to back, to back from anywhere between 25-45 min. in a row with a 5-10 min. break in-between. I would have given anything at this point for normal labor contractions, you know on a one to one ratio (have a contraction, have a break….). 

12:00 Noon(ish) - Time to push

There are a few things they tell you in birthing class about pushing:

1) You will have an uncontrollable urge to push like you’ve never felt before.

2) You will feel like you have to go to the bathroom.

3) People do not scream during labor. 

I can testify that two of these statements are the truest statements I have every heard in my life. However, the last is entirely false. Trust me when I say, you can scream. Not only can you scream, you can yell out a few choice curse words (the fuck word may have been in my vocabulary more than once during the pushing experience).

At 1st I was not sure if I really needed to push or go to the bathroom? There truly is no distinction between the two (and for anyone who knows me, you know how horrifying this must have been as I do not talk about bodily functions, ever). Once the urge to push kicked in, I knew this baby was coming.

When we called the nurse in to tell her I felt the urge to push, I was told to wait, do NOT push. Do not push? But I have to?! She ran out of the room (I am assuming to get the Dr.) I looked at my husband and said “I have to push, I cannot wait”. I think I held out for maybe 2 contractions before I was pushing, to me it did not matter if there was a nurse or Dr. in  the room, I was pushing. THIS WAS HAPPENING. Luckily my husband did not have to deliver our baby. 

Just as I started to push the baby kicked its leg up into my rib cage, making it virtually impossible to lean forward in order to push. You could literally see a goose-egg pulsating in my belly up by the top of my rib cage. I swear to god I thought that my ribs were being broken. It hurt so much that my husband barely laid his hand on the bulge and I screamed out in pain. This made it impossible for me to hold my leg when it came time to push. Thank god for my amazing husband who held my leg firmly as I held my hand over the goose-egg on my belly. 

First there was the challenge of getting the head out. Believe me when I say this is no easy task (insert previously mentioned curse words here). I could actually feel the baby’s head stop midway as I waited for another contraction to push again. However, this was not the worst part, the worst part was actually the placement of the Dr’s hands. I had no idea that they basically pulled you apart to accommodate the baby’s head as it comes through the birth canal. The Dr. had one hand on each end and this not only hurt like hell form the pressure, it stung!! Oh god did it sting! The sting was actually the worst part of the delivery. 

Once the head started to come out the Dr. asked if I wanted to reach down and touch her head. Honestly, there was no way this was happening. I was in so much pain I was doing all I could to stay alert for the pushing. As I continued to push, I felt the head come out, a slight twist followed by the shoulders and a gush of fluid. Now I know this must all sound gross to those of you who have never experienced child birth, but I must say that gush of fluid at the end was the best feeling I have ever felt in my life. Finally after pushing this 8.75 lb baby out of my vagina I had momentary relief. 

 Thats when I realized that I did not hear my baby cry, nor did I have my baby placed on my chest or in my arms. There was a team of about 9 from the pediatric team that was working on my baby on the warming table next to the bed. Honestly, I could not see or comprehend what was happening. I was literally in and out of consciousness. All I know is that I would come to and look up at my husband who had one hand on me and was standing next to the pediatricians working on our baby and I would ask “is she OK”? He would say yes and I would pass out again. After a few min. I was able to hold/see my baby for about one min. before they rushed her up to the NICU

9/9/2012 12:38PM

My baby is born into this world a muted shade of purple and not breathing. The cause, possibly the fact that I delivered her so rapidly. I had her out in 30 min. Believe me, when you are feeling everything going on down there, you aren’t messing around. I was getting this baby out as soon as humanly possible. Dominos and I have that in common, 30 min. or less bitches. One theory is that she came out so fast, possibly she smashed her cord on the way down which caused her stress.  Either way, after pumping breath into her tiny lungs she finally let out her 1st cry (the best sound I have every heard) and I am allowed to hold her for approximately 1 min. For the next 4 hours my husband would sit by her side in the NICU as she holds his finger with her tiny hands while getting poked and prodded before finally establishing that she is healthy as an ox (and is almost the size of one as far as babies are concerned).

Meanwhile, I was still downstairs in labor and delivery. Once my husband and my baby rushed off to the NICU I delivered the placenta and actually got a good look at it. Disclaimer - if you are the proud owner of a weak stomach do not, I repeat do not look down at the placenta. It is every bit as disgusting as you would imagine (luckily for me I am into blood and gore). Then it was time for stitches. Yes, I did tear. Now before giving birth tearing was something that I was a bit concerned about however, let me just say that when you are going through the miracle of birth, you do not notice if you tear. I had no idea I even tore before the Dr. told me. As the Dr. started to stitch me up, he checked on my pain level (remember I was not numb at all and was feeling everything). Honestly, I just pushed an almost 9lb baby out of my vagina, pretty sure this is small potatoes, stitch away. I didn’t even flinch. Honestly, this is probably the closest to a super power I will ever come. I mean when else would you be OK with getting stitches in what is arguably your most sensitive area without any sort of anesthesia/numbing? 

Finally, I have delivered the placenta and am all stitched up, I am ready to see my baby. But instead I wait….and wait. The nurses distract me for a min. by offering me some food, a sack lunch that involved a tuna fish sandwich, something I had not been able to eat for the last almost 10 months and a big jug of water and milk (I was so thirsty! Like I have been stuck on an island for the last 30 days without fresh water to drink thirsty). Once I finished eat and successfully drank everything in sight, I asked again about seeing my baby. The nurse told me she was waiting on the postpartum floor. I guess they needed a room for me to be checked into before they could wheel me off of the labor and delivery floor (not really sure to this day what the postpartum floor and me going to the NICU to see my baby have in common)? Also, they will not let you walk, hospital policy that if you have done any drugs for pain management that you have to be wheeled (even if they failed).  After about 3 and a 1/2 hours I had begun to lose my patiants. I explained to the nurse that I no longer gave a shit about hospital policy and I was going to see my daughter one way or another. I gave her 5 min. to come back with a wheel chair or I was walking to the NICU. …..she came with the wheel chair. 

I got to the NICU just in time for sweet baby Grae to be released. FINALLY all 3 of us were together and in our room. 

Pregnancy Amnesia

People always talk about this “pregnancy amnesia”. They say without it, you would never have more than one baby. They claim that you forget all the negative that came along with your pregnancy, labor and delivery. Well, to all those people, I say you are a damn liar. There is no way in hell I will every forget what I went  through to get this beautiful baby. Pregnancy, labor and delivery has got to be the craziest thing you can ever put your body through. I will say this, if I wanted more than one baby (which I do not and I had decided this long before getting pregnant), the experience would not make me shy away from doing it again, I would do it again in a heartbeat if I wanted more children. You may not ever forget what you went through, but you sure do move past it quickly. Once you are looking down upon that beautiful little face, you move past all the pain and hard work. 

Having this baby has already proven to be the best thing I have ever done. Besides, its hard not to reap the rewards when this is the face that you get the pleasure of looking at all day every day! 

Grae Magnolia 9/9/2012 12:38PM

Words to live by.

Dear Santa,

I would like a boyfriend for Christmas. Thank you.

I do believe. I do believe.

The most interesting man in the world.